The Mayan Mountain Myth

We’ve had comets, asteroids, the spawn of the devil, and an exploding sun, so it was only a matter of time before we had the latest Hollywood effort starring John Cusack, 2012, which dramatizes the adventures when the world ends (again) on 21 December 2012, a date apparently predicted by ancient Mayans.

An all-destroying pole shift is waiting for us, one of thousands that have already taken place in the earth’s history. Our distant forebears calculated in advance the previous one, and they escaped. With less than three years to go before the next one, many are already plotting how they will pull off a similar stunt.

The good news is that, after the cataclysm, the only part of the earth still intact – indeed, above water – will be the Drakensberg Mountains. We’d be able to offer our guests a sea view – if the rest of the human race weren’t already mostly extinct, that is.

Hurray, you say, but wait. The bad news is that Mr Cusack and a few of his closest chums will survive, commandeer a boat, and set sail for our fair valley – but they will have no money to pay for accommodation, and they’re not going home.

If, like me, the idea of Americans taking over and civilizing our little community sends you all a-flutter, then you would agree that this just wouldn’t be cricket. Trouble is, our visitors’ boat will be one of the US Navy’s finest; not even Lily’s dogs would stand much chance against Howitzers.

Here’s my recommendation.

We appoint our most diplomatic representative (why does Dave Dowling leap to mind?) and send him to negotiate with President Obama. We tell him to insist that we appoint one of our own to oversee preparations. ‘After all,’ he could say, ‘we like Americans, blah, blah, but it is our valley.’

The president ponders this a moment, ignoring the nagging thought of Trojans and horses at the back of his mind, and says, ‘okay, but they must be competent, hard working, and, above all, as honest as the day is long. Hell, we don’t want this project to fail. Whom do you have in mind?’

‘Well,’ Dave continues, ‘it just so happens that our mayor and municipal manager are available.’

That should do the trick.